I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
