Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
