If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
