Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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