I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
