just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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