I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I could fuck to npr.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
