First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
