Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
