this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
