If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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