God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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