so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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