he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
