I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
