He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
