her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
