He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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