You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
