i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
