you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
