drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Is it penis luge time yet?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
