You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
