good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
