I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
