There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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