I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
