he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
