Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
