i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
