apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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