u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
