I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
