I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
