If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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