this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
