the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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