Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
