Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
