do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
