Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
