I wish I could punch you in the face.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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