I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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