I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
