And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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