ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
