Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
