I'm lost and stupid without you.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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