Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
