Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
