i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
