Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
